Drunken Ephemera

1. Philosophers answer an age old question.

2. Some great rejection letter stories.

3. I haven't seen tonight's Project Runway yet so don't tell me who was Aufed, but there is a spacy puppeteer on the show who reminds me a little of Milla Jovovich and she said the most fabulous thing about her work being judged harshly. When asked what it was like to be there, standing with just one other person on the runway, she answered: "I found standing on the runway to intriguing and fun. I abhorred being the one chosen to stay and (knowing) that my staying meant someone else leaving. I surrendered constantly to fate with delight and mischievous curiosity." What a great attitude toward slings and arrows.

4. HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOU ARE READY FOR PARENTHOOD (I wish I knew who to credit for this)

Here are some helpful suggestion to prepare you for the joys of being a parent!

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or little plastic farm animals) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live cat. Now proceed with dressing the unhappy cat.

FEEDING TEST: Now hand feed the cat. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the cat while pretending to be an airplane. Now clean the soggy cereal off you, the floor, and walls.

NIGHT TEST AND PHYSICAL TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

CRAFT TEST: Get an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now get a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

TELEVISION TEST: Learn the names of every character from 'Barney and Friends', 'Sesame Street'. When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you love me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.