Thirty-one years
before, a few minutes after eight o’clock in the morning, a four-ton bomb
exploded over the city of Hiroshima, the capital of Hiroshima Prefecture, on
the island of Honshu, Japan. Thousands of lives incinerated in the space of a few moments. The blast obliterated office buildings,
homes, cooking bowls, contracts, goldfish, trees, bicycles, fences, temples,
schools, eyeglasses, photo albums, a small pot of marigolds sitting on a brick
step.
August 6, 1976. That day, early in August, Aunt Ruth is
taking a bunch of us to the trailer at the lake. Me, my little sister Nancy, my brother Chris, my cousin
Jeanne, and our neighbors, the Sharp boys. Aunt Ruth asks me to clean out a Styrofoam cooler so she can
pack it with ice and food. I rinse
the cooler out with the hose in the back yard and I get the idea that I can
empty the water out faster by spinning around in a circle. In the middle of my spin, the cooler
flies out of my hands, hits the ground and splits with a crunch, a big jagged
cut in the white foam. Aunt Ruth
is going to be so mad. I go inside
and tell her and I am surprised and relieved when she isn’t even angry. I am eleven.
August 11,
1976. Five days after my brother
Christopher and sister Nancy died, I am in the hospital with a dislocated hip
so I don’t go to the funeral.
August 6,
1977. One year after Nancy and
Chris died, Aunt Ruth and Uncle Phil take Jeanne and me to Disneyland. My hip is all better - I don’t even
limp. We do not mention the day.
August, 1978. Two years after, I go away to Girl
Scout overnight camp for the first time.
August, 1979. Three years after, I go with my cousin
Sally and her parents on vacation to Michigan. I kiss a boy in the windy dark,
on the damp sand of a beach on Crystal Lake. The radio music at the beach campfire makes my
heart pound with sexy daring: “My
Sharona.” The Cars, “Let’s Go.”
Driving home from
Michigan we listen to another song. “I can see Daniel waving goodbye.” A few days later, I get my period for the first time. I fly home with two secrets: I made out with a boy and I got my
period. One secret thrills me; the
other does not. I don’t tell Aunt
Ruth about my period for days. I
am afraid. And sure enough, when I
do tell her, she is angry. I don't why.
“What have you
been using?”
“I folded some toilet
paper.”
“Oh Cindy,” she
huffs with disappointment. She
gives me a pad with long paper straps on the ends and a belt. It is confusing to figure out and
uncomfortable to use. I throw it
away.
August, 1981. Five years after, I backpack in
Colorado with Girl Scouts from other states. Two girls have come all the way
from Mexico.
August, 1983. The seventh summer after, I travel to
Branson, Missouri, to ride waterslides, see The Shepard of the Hills play and
go horseback riding with two girlfriends. I work as a counselor at an Ozark Girl Scout camp. I go to Royals baseball games with my friends, swim at
Lake Jacomo. We watch fireworks
and eat Kentucky Fried chicken in a parking lot on the Fourth of July and ice
cream at Winstead’s after Rocky Horror and drink rum and cokes and
grape-flavored Malt Duck and I make out with Greg in his brother’s attic. We kiss while I sit on the softly
vibrating dryer in his brother’s laundry room. We sneak into the cemetery and we T.P. houses and write
shaving cream messages on driveways, throw deodorant in the front yard of the
girl we know, laugh and laugh our asses off. Tonya, Kyla, Chuck and I get dressed up in clothes we found
at a vintage store, hats and gloves and heels and we go to the Kona Kai because they don't card. We nervously order Mai Tais and laugh
hysterically over our sweet and sour shrimp.
“I will have a
sweet vermouth, please,” I tell a waiter, enunciating carefully. I’m eighteen.
August 6,
1985. Nine years after, I’m in college
but I don’t write about them, not in diaries, not in essays. THIS IS A LIE – THEY SNUCK INTO STORIES
I WROTE. I keep saying, “It hasn’t
really seemed to affect me.” The
girl across the hall from me, a psychology grad student, looks at me when I say
this. She is silent, then points
out how vulnerable the ages of loss were -- at four and on the cusp of
adolescence. I listen but I'm not sure what else her words mean.
August 6,
1986. Ten years after, I’m in New
Orleans doing service work. I hand
out cans from the small food pantry in the closet of a Catholic grade school
classroom. I chat with sweet and
obese African-American ladies with white-streaked hair as they work on their
double-knit quilts for the parish sale and we watch The Price Is Right in the air conditioning.
I think constantly
of the boy I met in the spring, in London. He’s working in Washington D.C. all summer as a
congressional aide. We write long
letters back and forth.
“This city is
moody and atmospheric,” I write. “Now I know why they call it the Deep South. Everything here is so green and slow moving, it feels like
you’re underwater.”
I’m going to see
him again at school at the end of the summer. Thinking of the end of August, even a thought in the vicinity of
that idea, makes my stomach buzz, a low electric thrill.
August, 1987. Eleven years after, I’ve graduated
college and I don’t know how to look for a job so I’m going to film school at
the end of the month.
I’m back at home
again, spending nights in the blue bedroom on the rack. I think constantly of the London boy. I cry every day. I fight insomnia every night. I stay up until four in the morning,
sleep until three in the afternoon. I cry, listening to “He Stopped Loving Her Today,” and “Oh the Pain of
Loving You,” but I can't even laugh at the utter seriousness of the twangy
voices belying their cornpone tragedy. NO - I DID LAUGH. MY SENSE
OF HUMOR HAD NOT ABANDONED ME. A few notes of Dolly Parton’s sweet high soprano
and I am sobbing.
In the springtime,
I had asked the boy what he was feeling and he said “Nothing.” I knew what that
meant.
Hell has three
circles, the first is remembering every stupid thing I had said and done; the
second is knowing that he had witnessed them; the deepest circle is imagining
that he was now forgetting those stupid words and the girl who said them.
August, 1988. Twelve years after, Iowa is hot in the
summer. I get a job on a movie
called Zadar, Cow from Hell. I think less of the London boy. I don’t cry every day like I used
to. And the thought that I think
less of him, the thought that I am crying less, makes me cry anew. I wonder why I got over Nancy and
Christopher but I can’t seem to shake this. I don’t want to shake this. Because even the agony is feeling something and I don’t want
to stop feeling something that is caused by him, is close to
him even in that way.
August, 1989. Thirteen years after, I have a dog and
an angry writer boyfriend. The boyfriend has a genetic disease, a children’s
disease. The medication he takes
to manage the symptoms includes steroids that later I will understand cook up
his mood swings, rampant jealousies, his furies. The steroids, yes, and perhaps his own internal battles with
mortality.
I love our dog
passionately. Little Lady is a
purebred chocolate lab, the runt of the litter, poorly behaved despite repeated
obedience classes. We are all
going to move to Boston at the end of the summer as soon as I retake my
comprehensive exams and finish a paper on the German film Deutschland im
Herbst. The movie is dark and grim. I will pass my comps this time, but I never do finish that
damn paper and I fail the class. I
don’t care. NO, I DID. I’m going to Boston.
I still think of
that London boy. I do.
August, 1996. Twenty years after, I live in
Chicago. The man I live with has
bought a company with some friends, a company that makes TV commercials. One of Randy’s partners slips the
alderman and the cops a hundred bucks each and they let us close off half the
street for a block party. A DJ
plays on the loading dock and we dance crazy in the heat, arms over our heads.
August 6,
2000. Twenty-four years after, I
am in Kyoto with Randy, my groom, my husband. After dinner Randy
and I walk to our ryokan in the rain. I dodge puddles to save my green silk mules with the embroidered flowers
on the toes. We laugh and laugh,
talking over this adventure, high on excitement, Kirin beer and the beauty of
Kyoto.
August 6,
2001. Twenty-five years after, the
twin towers still stand.
August, 2005. Twenty-nine years after, I have given
birth to two daughters. I am
starting to understand all sister can
mean. The girls giggle and hug in
the tub. Their bond forms before
my eyes.
I try to tell a
therapist about the day Nancy and Chris died. I sob, saying, “In the emergency room, I heard someone
crying, screaming in pain. I don’t
know if it was Christopher.”
It is agony to say
this. The fifty minutes are up and
I leave feeling horrible. I go
home and ask Randy, “What was the point of that? It really hurt and nothing came of it. It’s not as if I’ve never said these
things before. It’s not a breakthrough. I say the words and poof, there’s
nothing there. Nothing’s changed, I haven’t done anything. It just hurts.”
I start to write
about my family. I have much work
to do.
August, 2006. Thirty years after, I have put flowers
on their stones. I have written everything I can remember about them, the games we played, the trip to the apple orchard, the fights we had, the quality of their voices. I will plant a
tree, order a plaque.
Jeanne and I have talked about the worst day of our lives and she tells me it was not Christopher in the emergency room. He died next to the car.
We cried and talked.
I have visited one of the the neighbor boys who was in the car with us, now married with
two boys, happy in his faith, a scuba diver.
I have sent pictures of
Nancy and Chris to the Kansas City paper for a memorial. In her photo, nine-year-old Nancy wears
her shiny chocolate hair in braids. She leans back on her hands so her shoulders are tipped up fetchingly
close to her ears. Christopher
grins straight into the camera, the hood of his old worn sweatshirt covering
his curls. He is fourteen in the
photo and looks close enough to touch. The photos are
printed on the thirtieth anniversary of their deaths with the words below, “You
are always in our hearts.”
Learning how to grieve is learning to put on the traditional clothes of
mourning, sinking into their richness and comfort, bearing their weight with a
not unpleasurable sense of duty.
There is no right
or wrong way to grieve. THIS IS
NOT TRUE. It never stops. THIS IS TRUE.
