Thursday, September 27, 2012

Oh, Momma

We had a snack at Starbuck's after school, then a wellness visit that dear Dr. Olson makes as fun as always. He is such a sweetheart, asking the girls questions about school and what they do for fun and he listens to their long rambling answers and laughs at their jokes and always eases my mind with his wait and see advice. Afterwards, since I had told Mia "no" yesterday when she asked if she could play at the park on the way home, and since the sky was still holding some afternoon light, I pulled off into Lovelace and I let them jump out of the car while I checked my latest chess move.

The screams sounded like a child had just met some terrible accident - I jerked my head up and saw two women across the parking lot with a toddler screaming on her tricycle. A pile of gear and a baby car seat on the pavement told me the story. The older one didn't want to go home, she was having too much fun. But oh those screams, like she had broken a limb, like she was being tortured.

They didn't subside and at the next look I saw one woman crouching down to rock and talk to the baby in its car seat while the other woman took the tantrumming child to the grass to chill. The child refused to stay put, ran toward the parking lot, toward the park. The mother picked her up and carried the thrashing child back to the grass and then again as her bloody screaming continued.

Next time I looked up the other woman had gone and most of the gear was packed in the car. Now the mother was texting as the wails continued. I remembered bad days I had had when my ears hurt with the piercing reminders of what a bad mother, what an awful person I was. I remembered the times strangers helped me. I jumped out of the car and ran across the parking lot. Both kids were in the car now but she remained outside, phone in hand, perhaps not ready to face the drive home yet.

"You're doing a great job," I launched without introducing myself. She didn't need my name or niceties.

"I can remember how hard it was when mine were little, I was tearing my hair out. Now they're seven and nine..."

I was babbling. She said nothing but her face started to crumble as my eyes filled and my tight throat caught on my next words.

"You're a super mom! Can I give you a hug!" Her white cardigan was soft.

"You're doing great! Hang in there!" And I dashed off to find my two, my easy girls who pushed me to the limit and beyond but forgave me (at least for today) for my own screams and tantrums that matched and surpassed their own.

"Mia! Nora!" and they came to me just like that, with beautiful smiles. I gave each one a hug and a kiss and we went to dinner.

Friday, September 21, 2012

"The Red Wheelbarrow" by William Carlos Williams

Nora came home from second grade today and recited this poem to me. "It blows my mind," she said.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Buddy and Sweetie

I'll call him Buddy and I'll call her Sweetie which are not their names but do fit their young eagerness to please. Not a negative word or bit of trouble the entire three days from these two children who played Legos and Sharks and Minnows and "What Does The Ringmaster At The Tiny Circus Say?" with my girls. Considering the upset and violent change so far in their young lives, their compliancy may be how they cope with new situations right now. Roll with the punches. Wait and see. Trust the big people.

"When was the first time we met you?" Mia asked the kids and I cringe because I suspect the painful place this is going. We're on our way to a doll store, to have a dinner in a pretty pink room with black accents, an early birthday gift for Sweetie.

"We went camping a few years ago," I say, my eyes on the road. "Buddy, your dad made the best potatoes. And his grilled salmon! So good!"

I'm trying to bypass the pain, instead of crash into it.

"When was the next time after that?" presses on Nora, despite my attempt to keep us in the woods.

Mia knows.

"It was at that place, after your dad died."

"Beggar's Pizza," says Buddy. He knows.

"I'm sorry your dad died," says my Nora, who is frightened by the awfulness of the possibility that such an unfathomable thing can happen. It is not the first time she has said this.

"If you stop talking about it, I won't feel sad about it," says Sweetie.

With no help from me, the conversation became something more for the benefit of my children than for this young girl, her tween brother. Words to help my children be able to walk up to the edge and peek over and turn back to me, rather than words that would comfort our friends.

Later, I would share some spontaneous memories that made the girl smile ("Did you know your mom played the theremin? It was beautiful, not just the way it sounded, but the way her hands moved over the machine..."), but the point of this visit wasn't Overt Healing and Therapeutic Talk -- I'm not qualified for that kind of thing.

I could tell them, "I lost my parents, too, when I was a kid," at that funeral luncheon at Beggar's Pizza, in sympathy, in reassurance, I hoped, that they were not alone, but I could not make myself say, "Everything is going to be alright." When I am with them, I can act like these words are true, but I don't like to say those words to these children, like a promise I cannot keep. Dear Hope Edelman asked the motherless daughters who read her blog to consider on Mother's Day a positive thing that had happened in their lives because of the deaths of their mothers; I love Hope and my life is full and happy, but I'm not to the point yet where this experiment does not feel wrong.

Here's what I can do. I can make some fun for the kids. I can do that. I can take them to the planetarium and the beaches and The Boring Store (a front for a Secret Agent store which is actually a front for a kids' writing center) where Buddy got an invisible ink kit and a clip-on bow tie for instant Secret Agent glamour! Buddy was smiling. He wore the bow tie to dinner at Ed Debevic's. We laughed a lot. Once we got the school business out of the way, that is.

Their uncle had his last court appearance to be appointed guardianship on a Thursday morning. Court was scheduled at the same time as registration for Buddy's middle school, so I took the boy and girl, while Randy (his assistant Lucy) watched (plied with candy, crayons and Photoshop) Mia and Nora at the office.

Registration for the middle school involved mostly waiting in a series of lines and filling out paperwork. This I could handle. I could do this.

Buddy's uncle had everything filled out and tucked into a clipboard, everything but the medical exam paperwork since he couldn't take the boy to a doctor until the guardianship gave him access to the kids' insurance - such is one small tangle in the knot of challenges falling down on this man who stepped up to take the children. Their uncle is a kind, hard-working guy, never married, who called on Thursday night to see how the kids were doing.

"I miss them!" he laughed. "It's so quiet here, I'm talking to the dog!"

And now he's facing the daunting prospect of raising on his own a boy on the edge of middle school dangers and a girl who asked me what a tampon was in the doll store bathroom.

Sweetie was pointing at the tampon dispenser on the wall. I flashed back to those times I had said to Randy, "What about when she gets her period!? How is her uncle going to handle it?"

In the bathroom, I told her, "It's something you need when you get a period once a month when you are a teenager and ready to have a baby."

Sweetie reached for the door.

"Okay, I want to go back to the table now."

"Do you want to see one? I have one in my purse."

"Okay, I'm going to the table now."

So I'm not great at this, at this new friendship, this partial substitute auntship, this part-time role model job. But I am trying and I am not afraid. The mountain of hurt in their lives does not scare me away and that is at least something.

Nora and Mia already know the words yoni and tampon and period and they already know how unhinged I can get the days before I get mine. They also know how to floss their teeth, something new, apparently, to the girl, who held the length of string gingerly at the ends and plucked it against her lip. That was a rough moment for me, at the end of the visit and the end of the night, when I was looking forward to everyone, including me, being asleep in bed. Realizing the endless details of girl care and comfort that this little one might need to figure out on her own, I set my jaw and flossed her teeth for her as gently as I could. This I could do for her, on this night.

That was challenging, but it wasn't the hardest moment - that was probably at registration, in the metal lined hallway of the middle school, seeing girls with their moms decorating their sixth grade lockers with wallpaper and tiny plastic chandeliers.

We had nothing to put in Buddy's locker when we found it, but we opened it anyway, me waxing all enthusiastic about how big it was and how close to his first class. I took the new combination lock out of its cardboard box and showed the boy how to turn it first to the right, then to the left all the way past the zero, then to the right again. He took it, wiggling around the digits and missing the mark. The lock refused to yield when he pulled up on the loop. He tried again, starting with a turn to the left.

"Okay, let's clear it again," I said. "And turn to the right."

I point to the right. He turned the opposite way.

"So, okay, let's clear it again, spin it a few times. And find 21 to the right."

He did it. After three failed tries, he did it. He would need more practice. His uncle would need to help him.

I have tried hating Buddy and Sweetie's parents for dying and leaving them. I tried hating Heroin, the idea of it, tried hating the addictions that killed their parents in two separate, excruciatingly separate, deaths. I have felt the beginning of a flame of rage in my gut, tried blowing on the coals, hating them and the drug the way I hate smokers who walk through crowds swinging their lit sticks at the level of my children's eyes. But I can't get the fire to catch. It's like hating a god that isn't there. Or hating an airplane, or its pilot. Or a car. Or its driver.

Nora reads out the loud the conversation starter from the little striped box on the table at the doll store restaurant. "What's the biggest surprise you ever had?" Another possible landmine of awful memory, but the children sidestep it lightly, Buddy answering with a Christmas he received a video game, Sweetie telling us a funny story about the dog. I think they have compartmentalized the deaths, put them away from their real lives, until they will be old enough to decide whether they will be defined by them. I am grateful for the lesson these children offer me.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Autumn Joy... the name of the sedum cultivar blooming in our back yard as well as my condition on bright days like today.

My garden looks best in spring, but perks up in September. I know that's a big ol' yaller weed in the center of this border, but I think it's kind of pretty between the purple asters and red mums. And that galaxy of Sweet Autumn Clematis above can't help but remind us that we are all made of stars.

Other seasonal beauties:

Mia and Nora doodling our table during a lunch break at the Renegade Craft Fair in Wicker Park. I wish I could describe how shiny the clouds were that day.

 ...And typical Wicker Park hipness. Hand cranked snowcone machine with yum flavas.

...And neon Swiss chard from our CSA.

...And Thursday night when I was warbling through Steely Dan's "Dirty Work" at dear old soon-to-be-shuttered C.J. Arthur's and suddenly heard a deep voice join mine on the other mike. Dear Husband, twining his voice with mine to strengthen and straighten the wavering key of the third chorus. I had to smile at our romantic harmony over the most cynical of lyrics.

...And Mia has a new friend, Liam, and she can't get enough of him. Even after sitting next to him all day in class, even after playing football for an hour in a neighbor's front yard with him and a crowd of kids, even knowing she was going to spend half of Sunday with him at the Field Museum on a special playdate, she still was close to tears during her piano lesson Friday because she wanted more time together.

When she tried to explain her tears to her father that night, she used those most grown-up of words, "It's complicated" and I felt the shift, a tilting of the room, as she took another step toward the rocky hills of adolescence.

But it was the today at the museum, watching their easy happiness in front of the glass display cases of Extreme Mammals that brought it all home - precious, incomparable, incomprehensible, unforgettable young love.

...And anticipating new books from Ian McEwan (Sweet Tooth, coming November 13), Alice Munro (Dear Life: Stories, November 13) and Justin Cronin (The Twelve, sequel to The Passage, out October 16!)

...And my current read, Madeline Miller's The Song of Achilles, its poetically sparse observations and its elegiac mood of impending doom, heightened by our reading a child's version of the story that Nora just happened to bring home from school last week.

This is how Patroclus, Achilles' ill-fated lover, describes hope in the Trojan War: "There will be a moment after this, and another after that."

...And the success of the first field trip of our new Brownie troop! We joined a crowd of other troops at Gillson Beach for the Great Lakes Alliance Adopt-A-Beach annual cleanup on Saturday morning. The paper forecast temperatures as low as the forties, but the day dawned bright and clear. Most of the troop came, along with their parents, and they chattered happily about the strange things they had found. A pickle! The remains of a birthday party! A fragment of a painted teacup! Such excitement about picking up garbage, it just made my heart glad.

...And this:

Fox by Mia, age 9